I didn’t say good-bye to my mother.  Still haven’t.  When she suddenly passed away, I flew to Germany.  I stayed for as long as I could, but I had to get back to my job – or otherwise I would have lost my apartment and been unable to pay my bills.  It sucked.  I had to leave before the funeral.  I hadn’t seen her for 6 years before she passed away.  I didn’t see her then, I didn’t see her to say good bye, I don’t see her now – it feels open-ended.  There was and is no closure and therefore, I never really said good-bye.  I have tried to put flowers someplace, to pray, to light candles – nothing feels like it is really saying good bye.  The hole left there by her sudden passing is still there – business is still unfinished.  I don’t think it will ever be closed.

I didn’t give my mother a chance to really know me and all there is to know about me.  She neither knew about my sexual orientation nor did she ever know about the sexual abuse by one of my parents’ friends.  She didn’t know just why I was the way I was, didn’t have a chance to really understand me.  I don’t know that she would have, but at least I would feel as if I gave her the option to get to know me – but I didn’t.

I didn’t write.  I always wanted to be a writer – not the kind that publishes tons of fiction or non-fiction books – just a writer that writes pages over pages of “stuff”.  I didn’t do it.  I used to write a lot, usually a journal of some kind, but I stopped.  I didn’t write down my entire life story for my son nor did I write down my family history or childhood memories.  I always meant to do it, but I didn’t.  I just didn’t do it.  I am not sure why I didn’t do it.  It’s possible that it would have been too painful, because it also would have meant to face the dark demons of the past once again, and I am not sure that I really want to share those with my son.  In time he will know, but not yet.  It’s possible that it would have been painful because I just feel like I don’t remember much of my childhood.  It’s possible that it would have been too painful because I really don’t know anything about my family history and there are so many unanswered questions.  A lot is possible.  If it’s true or just a figment of my imagination – who knows.  I don’t.

I didn’t study Psychology and became a child psychologist.  While it once was a dream, the dream changed. I did go back to school and received a Bachelors degree in Behavioral Science from Wilmington College.  I plan on going back for my Master’s in Community Counseling, but right now that is on the backburner.  The Bachelors degree was really the big, huge goal – and I achieved it.  Maybe I shouldn’t stop now, but the Master’s degree program isn’t cheap and so – not sure when and how I will be able to afford it.  Someday…one day…hopefully in the near future.

I didn’t do a lot of things…though there only a few regrets – I can live with that.

What about you? What didn’t you do?

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I am not a very religious person but this book really makes me look at my “preconceived notions” about God, Jesus, the wholy Trinity and otehr question.  A few passages really struck a chord with me and if you have ever asked yourself “if there is a God, why does he let bad thing happen and why is there evil in the world” – well, read the book and maybe it will at least make you think – but maybe not.  Yes, I know I am being vague – I will write more later today in a post with a MORE tag so that those who don’t want to see it don’t have to.  I don’t want to give anything away about the book because I don’t like when people do that.

Has this book made me any more religious?  Not at all.  But it’s given me “thought points”.

If you have read the book – what did you think about it?

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• Clinton Bush Haiti Fund
• UNICEF (1-800-4UNICEF)
• Direct Relief
• Yeli Haiti
• Red Cross
• Doctors Without Borders
• Care
• William J. Clinton Foundation

Americans can also donate via text message.  Donations will be added to your cellphone bill.

• text “HAITI” to 90999 to donate $10 to Red Cross relief efforts
• text “YELE” to 501501 to Donate $5 to Yele Haiti’s Earthquake Relief efforts
• text “GIVE10″ to 20222 to donate $10 to Direct Relief

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SCARY STATISTICS¹

• At least 1 out of 4 girls and one out of 6 boys will be sexually abused by age 18
• At least 90 percent of all childhood sexual abuse victims know their abuser
• Only 25 percent of childhood sexual abuse cases are even reported; only 5 percent of those cases will even make it to court and of that, 50 percent of these children will be returned to their alleged abuser
• The average sexual predator will commit 117 assaults before even getting caught
• The re-arrest rate for convicted child predators is 52 percent
• One in 10 homes are involved in some form of childhood sexual abuse; this is a leading cause of teen suicide and child prostitution

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1. http://www.franksfoundation.org/know.shtml