WRITE WHAT YOU DIDN’T DO

I didn’t say good-bye to my mother.  Still haven’t.  When she suddenly passed away, I flew to Germany.  I stayed for as long as I could, but I had to get back to my job – or otherwise I would have lost my apartment and been unable to pay my bills.  It sucked.  I had to leave before the funeral.  I hadn’t seen her for 6 years before she passed away.  I didn’t see her then, I didn’t see her to say good bye, I don’t see her now – it feels open-ended.  There was and is no closure and therefore, I never really said good-bye.  I have tried to put flowers someplace, to pray, to light candles – nothing feels like it is really saying good bye.  The hole left there by her sudden passing is still there – business is still unfinished.  I don’t think it will ever be closed.

I didn’t give my mother a chance to really know me and all there is to know about me.  She neither knew about my sexual orientation nor did she ever know about the sexual abuse by one of my parents’ friends.  She didn’t know just why I was the way I was, didn’t have a chance to really understand me.  I don’t know that she would have, but at least I would feel as if I gave her the option to get to know me – but I didn’t.

I didn’t write.  I always wanted to be a writer – not the kind that publishes tons of fiction or non-fiction books – just a writer that writes pages over pages of “stuff”.  I didn’t do it.  I used to write a lot, usually a journal of some kind, but I stopped.  I didn’t write down my entire life story for my son nor did I write down my family history or childhood memories.  I always meant to do it, but I didn’t.  I just didn’t do it.  I am not sure why I didn’t do it.  It’s possible that it would have been too painful, because it also would have meant to face the dark demons of the past once again, and I am not sure that I really want to share those with my son.  In time he will know, but not yet.  It’s possible that it would have been painful because I just feel like I don’t remember much of my childhood.  It’s possible that it would have been too painful because I really don’t know anything about my family history and there are so many unanswered questions.  A lot is possible.  If it’s true or just a figment of my imagination – who knows.  I don’t.

I didn’t study Psychology and became a child psychologist.  While it once was a dream, the dream changed. I did go back to school and received a Bachelors degree in Behavioral Science from Wilmington College.  I plan on going back for my Master’s in Community Counseling, but right now that is on the backburner.  The Bachelors degree was really the big, huge goal – and I achieved it.  Maybe I shouldn’t stop now, but the Master’s degree program isn’t cheap and so – not sure when and how I will be able to afford it.  Someday…one day…hopefully in the near future.

I didn’t do a lot of things…though there only a few regrets – I can live with that.

What about you? What didn’t you do?

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